I wish there were necklaces given to us at birth that were half of a unique shape and your soulmate wore the other half and they got warmer the closer together you were and colder the further away you were so you could go on this journey when you’re ready to find your other half so that you could be spared all the pain and heartbreak of being played with by those who don’t take dating as seriously as you do
that would be so fucking convenient
June 2013
i knew you were trouble when you walked in
now im lion on the cold hard ground
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
RUNNING ROUND LEAVING SCARS
happy father’s day
Okay so a guy held a door open and as I was walking I thought in my head ’ thanks mister attractive face” and then he giggled and I realized it wasN’T IN MY HEAD AND HE JUST KEPT GIGGLING LIKE A 5 YEAR OLD
"When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
oh my gosh
BEST JOKE.
THIS JOKE SHALL BE TOLD FOREVER
😂😂😂😂😂
“I was moaning to the make-up girl that I hadn’t got a boyfriend, and she said there was a guy on the same job who’d been saying the same thing, that he was looking for a nice girl. At that minute Martin walked in and I just had a thunderbolt. It dawned on me: “Oh, God it’s him!” We flirted with each other all day and when I went home he texted me, saying “You left and I wasn’t done flirting with you. That’s a bit rude.”
—
Amanda Abbington, on how she and Martin Freeman met.
this smooth ass motherfucker
(via vatican-cameoss)
think about the first person to have twins
how freaking confused do you think they were omg
if my kids end up being better looking than me theyre grounded
guys the disney fandom just took over a text post
beginning of joke
i honestly dont understand this joke and its frustrating me
this is too brilliant
ohhh my g od
elphabaforpresidentofgallifrey:
we need some new and more powerful swears
